In these houses a high value is placed on the results obtained. I think the way these guys are created sends the message, “You’re not good enough. You have to reach out. You are not accepted.”
When children struggle, it is especially devastating. Some babies have disabilities because they were born preterm, which was a big risk with IVF. Or they have learning differences or autism.
Sometimes parents chose an egg donor and then discovered that she had psychiatric problems. So the child is seen through that lens, which can be quite devastating and traumatic: “Your donor is crazy, so you must be crazy, too.”
The child grows up feeling very different, knowing that he is an experiment but not receiving the adequate support or acceptance he needs to grow. Because there is no caregiver who says, “I understand you.” There is none of that.
In my work I help parents to accept: this is the child you have. And I help children accept the reality of their parents and create a less painful relationship or build a life without them.
Many of my families have neurodiverse members who need help making abstract concepts more concrete. Sometimes just explaining “you and your child are not the same person” is enough to solve the problem. Or let’s say a teenager doesn’t feel loved. I may need to clarify to them that “love” is not a tangible feeling, like being pinched or kicked. It means that someone feels affection for you like you feel affection for Legos or drones.
In high school, many teens connect with half-siblings through 23andMe, sometimes with half-siblings who live all over the world. It is common in these families to have different egg donors for different children because they have tried to have, for example, a sporty son and an artistic daughter. What do you do when one of your children has found his step-siblings and is bonding, while your other child isn’t having a good experience with his new relatives? Who do you invite to Thanksgiving?
I really feel sorry for the moms. They’re trying to balance everyone’s expectations and keep everything together. But it is also unfair towards fathers. Because I’m not sure dads can accurately predict human behavior. They can probably predict actions, but human behavior has too many variables. I don’t know if anyone is making sure parents understand that they can’t test drive a child and then return it.
Trying to control your child is a recipe for disaster. The boy will rebel. If you have a preconceived idea of what they’ll be like, you’ll either be severely disappointed or you’ll stick them in a mold and it won’t work.
Maybe sometimes it works, but those people don’t come to me.
—As told to Emi Nietfeld